Kindness to Wives- An advice by my Mom to Grooms to Be.

Kindness to Wives

“Allah has given a man superiority over a woman to protect her, to be gentle to her and to be her companion and her mentor. This superiority has not been given to mistreat a woman and demand her submission even when the man is wrong or where even if the man is not wrong, the woman has a different point of view. The superiority does not mean that only the woman’s imperfections appear as neon signs to a man. Just as the punctuation in the Arabic language, the zer, zabar, pesh have been given different levels i.e. one is above, one is below etc. and each have been used to give an alphabet and a Quranic word a whole meaning, similarly, a woman’s imperfections should be seen alongwith the good things about her, which appear lesser in value to a man because of the things he chooses to see and things he does not. Similarly a woman should also not make the man’s perfections as the highlights to her journey. These imperfections and perfections make a human beautiful. Each individual should remember that the other person is a human being created with as much love as was undertaken to create another human.”- Mom. <3

Pre-Marital Questionnaire?

So, this single, strong willed, soul seeking young lady i know and am proud of is taking a pre-marital course on the topic, ‘Finding Mr. Right’  conducted by Megan Wyatt and Shaykh Yaser Birjas. She was given some homework recently and decided to pass on these questions to me to get some perspective from a married person. It’s just been six months into my marriage, and maybe it is a bit early to pass on my two cents, but i never say no to a well meaning request.

 

I am posting my replies to the questions here, in the hope that it may be able to help any other person who feels a bit out of depth even if momentarily. :-)

 

What kind of marriage did you want before you were married?

 

​I am going to be perfectly honest. I have always started every new endeavour in my life with zero expectations. Even with marriage, i had nothing specific pinned up in my head. I just wanted a marriage where two individuals would respect each other and were kind and compassionate to each other. I wanted to be given the benefit of doubt and to be brought closer to God. At the same time i had thought of all the possible worse things that can happen in a marriage just to keep myself in check.​

 

What kind of marriage style would you say you are living now?

 

Quite close to what i thought. AlHamdulilAllah. But i have realised that where there are pitfalls, that it is largely due to my complacency. I am not always given the benefit of doubt, but that is understandable in my case , as it is making me learn new things and helping me to become more efficient. Although both spouses work towards the marriage, but i feel that the wife has to be the most proactive. Even when you feel you are right and your spouse wrong, when you feel heart broken, disappointed and a bit insignificant and all the independent streaks in your personality are telling you to revolt and not give in,  but the “respect” and “love” for your spouse should make you give in and let go. Things then simplify and unravel and AlHamdulilAllah the journey gets smoother one step at a time. Our marriage style can be summed in two words- Respect and Love. Give both of these and get both of these back. Everything takes time. Nothing is Perfect. Let go, embrace and love for the sake of Allah and for each other.

 

 

What three qualities did you see in your husband which led you to make the decision that he is the right kind of man to marry?

 

​He loved me.

He took care of me.

He has a kind heart.

 

How did you find out which his expectations were of marriage beforehand?

 

He made it clear to me before marriage that- he expects that i give him respect. that i value his choices. that he would lead. that i become a support for him and to make him strong rather than weak. That i should ensure that in his family and beyond, i never become the reason for anybody to question his choice in marrying me. I would always be on his team and his partner and not abandon him to stand against him.

 

I am a work in progress though and he understands that. Since we got married only recently, we are slowly learning the ropes but i have no doubt that InshaAllah, if i manage to do everything he expects me to, life can become even more enriching and meaningful than it is now. AlHamdulilAllah and MashaAllah.

 

husband-wife-love

I leave you with a little prayer i stumbled across on the internet: :-)

A Woman’s Du’a for a Righteous Husband

O Allah! Please grant me one
Who will be the garment for my soul
Who will satisfy half of my deen
And in doing so make me whole

Make him righteous and on your path
In all he’ll do and say
And sprinkle water on me at Fajr
Reminding me to pray

May he earn from halal sources
And spend within his means
May he seek Allah’s guidance always
To fulfill all his dreams

May he always refer to Qur’an
and the Sunnah as his moral guide
May he thank and appreciate Allah
For the woman at his side

May he be conscious of his anger
And often fast and pray
Be charitable and sensitive
In every possible way

May he honor and protect me
And guide me in this life
And please Allah! Make me worthy
to be his loving wife

And finally, O Allah!
Make him abundant in love and laughter
In taqwa and sincerity
In striving for the hereafter.

Ameen.

Wife realizations

A wedding? What is it? To me, it is absolutely nothing. A moment gone. What is important is the marriage. :)

And the marriage is tricky. It takes a while to get to know each others habits and even more time to meet each other’s expectations. But once each spouse starts taking baby steps towards better understanding each other, life becomes simple. 

What i have truly figured out is that most of the times it is the wife who can easily resolve things or blow them out of proportion. There are usually two options- bring on the ego or suppress anger and make the hubby understand things with a lot of patience, love and CARE. 

A lot of times it is really not about you or the husband either- but about others. It is not personal. It is about the need to protect the wife or the husband from possible negative things that other people may say.

Sometimes, a bad moment is simply because you are being missed or he is being missed.

Yet, honesty is the KEY. Honesty in your dealings. Honesty in the relationship. Honesty in your efforts. If either one of you are being dishonest to each other or about each each other to any third party, then that is asking for trouble. That is not the right approach.

With commitment, patience, understanding and a lot of compromise, marriage is contentment. But if you view things with a shade of ego and right vs. wrong, things may get difficult.

 

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Marriage Advice

marriage

written by: Anonymous. 

During a seminar, a woman asked,” How do I know if I am with the right person?”

The author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, “It depends. Is that your partner?” In all seriousness, she answered “How do you know?” Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it’s weighing on your mind replied the author.

Here’s the answer.

Every relationship has a cycle… In the beginning; you fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love.

People in love sometimes say, “I was swept of my feet.”Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It’s a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, “Am I with the right person?” And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you
may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown.

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found.

People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.

Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.

I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later.

Because (listen carefully to this):

The key to succeeding in a Relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the Person you found.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it.

Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws Of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable.

Love is therefore a “decision”. Not just a feeling.

Remember this always: God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let GO! ♥