So, this single, strong willed, soul seeking young lady i know and am proud of is taking a pre-marital course on the topic, ‘Finding Mr. Right’ conducted by Megan Wyatt and Shaykh Yaser Birjas. She was given some homework recently and decided to pass on these questions to me to get some perspective from a married person. It’s just been six months into my marriage, and maybe it is a bit early to pass on my two cents, but i never say no to a well meaning request.
I am posting my replies to the questions here, in the hope that it may be able to help any other person who feels a bit out of depth even if momentarily. :-)
What kind of marriage did you want before you were married?
I am going to be perfectly honest. I have always started every new endeavour in my life with zero expectations. Even with marriage, i had nothing specific pinned up in my head. I just wanted a marriage where two individuals would respect each other and were kind and compassionate to each other. I wanted to be given the benefit of doubt and to be brought closer to God. At the same time i had thought of all the possible worse things that can happen in a marriage just to keep myself in check.
What kind of marriage style would you say you are living now?
Quite close to what i thought. AlHamdulilAllah. But i have realised that where there are pitfalls, that it is largely due to my complacency. I am not always given the benefit of doubt, but that is understandable in my case , as it is making me learn new things and helping me to become more efficient. Although both spouses work towards the marriage, but i feel that the wife has to be the most proactive. Even when you feel you are right and your spouse wrong, when you feel heart broken, disappointed and a bit insignificant and all the independent streaks in your personality are telling you to revolt and not give in, but the “respect” and “love” for your spouse should make you give in and let go. Things then simplify and unravel and AlHamdulilAllah the journey gets smoother one step at a time. Our marriage style can be summed in two words- Respect and Love. Give both of these and get both of these back. Everything takes time. Nothing is Perfect. Let go, embrace and love for the sake of Allah and for each other.
What three qualities did you see in your husband which led you to make the decision that he is the right kind of man to marry?
He loved me.
He took care of me.
He has a kind heart.
How did you find out which his expectations were of marriage beforehand?
He made it clear to me before marriage that- he expects that i give him respect. that i value his choices. that he would lead. that i become a support for him and to make him strong rather than weak. That i should ensure that in his family and beyond, i never become the reason for anybody to question his choice in marrying me. I would always be on his team and his partner and not abandon him to stand against him.
I am a work in progress though and he understands that. Since we got married only recently, we are slowly learning the ropes but i have no doubt that InshaAllah, if i manage to do everything he expects me to, life can become even more enriching and meaningful than it is now. AlHamdulilAllah and MashaAllah.
I leave you with a little prayer i stumbled across on the internet: :-)
A Woman’s Du’a for a Righteous Husband
O Allah! Please grant me one
Who will be the garment for my soul
Who will satisfy half of my deen
And in doing so make me whole
Make him righteous and on your path
In all he’ll do and say
And sprinkle water on me at Fajr
Reminding me to pray
May he earn from halal sources
And spend within his means
May he seek Allah’s guidance always
To fulfill all his dreams
May he always refer to Qur’an
and the Sunnah as his moral guide
May he thank and appreciate Allah
For the woman at his side
May he be conscious of his anger
And often fast and pray
Be charitable and sensitive
In every possible way
May he honor and protect me
And guide me in this life
And please Allah! Make me worthy
to be his loving wife
And finally, O Allah!
Make him abundant in love and laughter
In taqwa and sincerity
In striving for the hereafter.